A sexologist and psychotherapist talks about the causes of erectile dysfunction and how to overcome them.
Increased potency, or where does "male power" go?
The Internet and television are flooded with advertisements for "miracle" pills and potions that promise to restore "male power" and get rid of erectile dysfunction. And supply, as we know, is born from demand. What happened? Why were men "spoiled"? Internet and social networks turned out to be "more interesting" than living women? Or perhaps the ladies themselves are to blame for the fact that their gentlemen have less and less desire to be a man, as well as the desire to fulfill this desire?
A well-known sexologist-psychotherapist answered these and other questions to our correspondent.
If a man is not interested in a woman in particular and sexual life in general, impotence is reached. . . Is this fair?
- The term "impotence" is excluded from the world classification of diseases and is replaced by the term "erectile dysfunction". However, the word "impotence" is still common in everyday life. The literal translation means "without power". For men, this is a very important area of life. And if there are flaws in it, then in almost all cases, regardless of the main reasons, there is also a mental component. Men only see the symptom, the result. And they refer to the loss of erection or its weakening in the process of sexual intimacy. Of course, as a rule, an emotional component is attached to these complaints. A man can have anxiety and even depression. Regardless of what women think about men, in fact, everyone wants to be successful not only at work, but also in their personal lives.
Now there is much talk of "rejuvenation" impotence. Are?
- I have 16 years of practice in the profession, and I can rely not only on statistics, but also on my own observations. In fact, in the last 10 to 15 years, you can see a decrease in the average age of our patients. More and more young people attend. At the beginning of my career, the average age of patients was 40, now it is 35.
When a man "can't and won't, " what's to blame in the first place: physiology, psychology, or perhaps social factors?
- There is usually no single reason. When I communicate with a patient, I try to understand his lifestyle: how are his emotions, is he getting enough sleep, is he having a mid-life crisis? What are his attitudes in the intimate sphere, what is the behavior of the couple? After all, for example, a woman who does not know how to seduce, but only requires the fulfillment of "marital duty", is often one of the causes of psychogenic erectile dysfunction. Often in practice there is a syndrome of anxious expectation of sexual failure. In this state, a man fixates on failure, and the next time is already waiting for her. Sex becomes a test for him. And if a woman voluntarily or involuntarily "adds fuel to the fire", a sexual neurosis is formed. And the man turns on "avoidance behavior". Some crash with work or alcohol. Some unconsciously pick fights with his wife, so the idea of intimacy would seem absurd. Confused men sometimes choose different paths instead of going to the doctor. And aggravate the problem and relations with a partner, wife. And it's not far from divorce. Some go to a urologist due to illiteracy, but it is necessary - to a sexologist.
"Can't" or "won't"?Women are often tormented by one question: what is more important: "I can't" or "I don't want to"?
- As they say, one does not interfere with the other: you can "not want" and "can't" at the same time. But it is important to remember that an erection is, above all, a clear indicator of "I want" and not "I can". But even this "want" is not unlimited. Much depends on the sexual constitution, that is, on the temperament of a man.
Is it true that men themselves often do not realize the problem or even accuse women of wanting "too much" of him?
- You can demand compliments and eroticism from a man, for example, kisses, gentle caresses. And the erection does not obey the will. Neither the will of a woman, nor the will of a man. As soon as the word or thought "should" comes up, this is the beginning of the road to a dead end.
Increasingly, they talk about the impact of stress on a modern man: is it really so terrible for the intimate sphere?
- Indeed. Nature is against conception in a stressful situation. And it reduces the degree of attraction through hormonal mechanisms. Stress levels increase: the level of the anti-stress hormone prolactin increases and, in turn, suppresses the production of testosterone, the hormone responsible for sexual desire in both men and women. As a result, the outdating of the sexual sphere occurs.
The main woman is the mother.They say that a man's ability to "be a man" depends on his upbringing and the kind of relationship he has with his mother, is that true?
- Undoubtedly! The first prototype of a woman for a child is a mother. It is she who lays the foundation for relationships with the opposite sex. Any woman who wishes happiness for her child, especially for a boy, should breastfeed him for at least the first year after birth. It is during this period that a positive and negative, open or cautious attitude towards the female sex is formed. Mom is first and foremost a woman. And if the family is not complete and the mother tries to play the role of both parents, then the child will not see male or female behavior as a result. . . And as a result, her experience of communicating with the opposite sex. it can be negative. And this is a direct path to isolation, to disappointment. . . Also, the isolation may not be literal, but emotional. For example, a man can change partners endlessly, remaining alone. In sexology, this is called promiscuity, that is, promiscuity without the ability to establish deep affective relationships. Therefore, if a person dreams of creating a strong and happy family, these situations require in-depth study.
What are the most common mistakes that mothers who raise children make?
- The boy must see an example of masculine behavior. If not in the family, then in the sports section. In the end, there are uncles, grandparents. But ideally, of course, there should be a father whom the child's mother loves. Excessive guardianship, pressure, dictation are dangerous. They are charged with the appearance of childish and feminine behavior in a teenager.
Get married, just for love! Some women are obsessed with their appearance and go to great lengths to please their husband. And some stop taking care of themselves, focusing entirely on the family, on the children. Perhaps, in general, a woman behaves so "badly" that her man simply loses interest in intimate life?
- Much depends on a woman, both in a positive and negative sense. For example, you can appear in front of your husband with messy clothes, reproach him in case of sexual failure (although, if you think about it, it is not really his failure, but hers), not support him, but humiliate him and "finish" . off" with words and all your behavior, and here is the result: he wants nothing! Therefore, to the young women who come to see me, I constantly say: "Marry for love, respect your man, praise him, and he will move mountains for you! "A neat appearance, fitness, perfume, grooming are always a plus. But some women's panic obsession with their appearance is already a problem of a woman's self-esteem and her relationships with others. After all, if people are attracted to each other only by their bodies, this is a "neutered" version of human love. There must be a desire for souls, people must be interested in together not only in bed, but also outside of it.
These "terrible" businesswomen. Is it that a socially successful woman does not attract, but drives away a man? After all, where do the armies of beautiful, intelligent, and successful women who suffer from loneliness come from? Why do men avoid them?
- It is not about success, but about behavior patterns. If a woman in a competitive environment begins to use masculine role models, for example, she becomes assertive, tough, and this is sometimes required in a competitive environment, then masculine or, more simply, "brave" men do not like it. like. Feminine - more "feminine" (these are the so-called "sissies"), this model may seem attractive, since they are used to obey.
Watch out for men! If a woman is willing to fight for her man, for the happiness of the family, how should she behave when her husband has problems in bed?
At the very least, you should let him sleep. Completely stop any criticism, even what a woman might consider constructive. She apologizes for the mistakes of the past. Express that she doesn't need sex for at least a week. It's time to get to know each other better. And in this context, daily relaxing massages with oils. And you have to do them one by one. If there is no positive dynamic in this context, you should definitely go to a sexologist, who can find hidden medical and psychological reasons for the situation. It is important to explain to the man that there will be no search for "guilty" and "sick" at the reception. Meetings with a doctor are necessary to improve the quality of his sexual life, and this is possible!
Is there any example of her practice when a woman helped a man to have faith in himself, in every way?
- I'll tell you about the wife of my recent patient. Her behavior of hers is amazing! I was approached by a businessman who had suffered greatly in the new economic conditions. Many problems fell on him, and in the midst of stress, a decrease in attraction for his wife began. But he most of all worried about how he would tell her that, perhaps, he could soon lose his business completely and they would be left with no money and huge debts. . . But his wife was used to a high standard of living. . . . I advised him to tell him everything there is. If she is not a close person, who will support us in difficult times? And my intuition did not fail me. The patient at the next appointment recounted that his wife heard him and said, "Okay, if this happens, I'll go to work too. And anyway, I fell in love with you when you were a poor student. I love you now and always. " I will love you, no matter what. Just with these words, the man had strength, the panic disappeared, and his affairs improved, in every way. On the last date, he said to me: "I will never leave my wife, I will remember this day! " all my life! "I think that this woman deserves her love. And I am calm because of her relationship. I want people to love each other more, appreciate each other, respect each other, support each other. And that these were not words, but actions.